doit, doit now!

As I reported previously I am attempting to debunk the need for spending $100 on the Invisalign Cleaning System. In this chapter I have done mankind a fabulous, disgusting, selfless service by not cleaning my previous set of Invisalign aligners in any way, shape, or form for two weeks. The results are not startling. They are exactly what you would expect.

The first three pictures of are of a fresh, just-out-of-the-package set of aligners. When you remove your Invisalign from the package you are advised to rinse them off before putting them in your mouth. This is because they coat the aligners with angel dust some sort of protective preservative crap. Actually I have no idea why they advise you to do it, I just do it.

If you’re into that sort of thing you can click on the full-size photo for ridiculously large versions. This will eat my bandwidth alive.

And now we come to the really gross part. If you look close you can even see my spittle! I told you this would be gross. Some people might argue that the spittle is actually causing the aligners look dirtier than they are. Some people might be right. But the money shots that follow the spittle shots will dispel any of these notions.

And these are the money shots: a comparison of a not-cleaned-for-two-weeks aligner and a fresh-out-of-the-package aligner. Guess which one is which.

So, as you can see, not cleaning your Invisalign for two weeks causes a fairly noticeable yellowing of the plastic. My hypothesis is that not cleaning your aligners for two weeks is the worst thing you could do in terms of dulling or discoloring them. Invisalign claims that using Efferdent or similar cleaning products can (not “will,” mind you) dull the surface of the aligner. I am highly skeptical that using those products will dull the surface of the aligner enough for anyone to notice in the relatively short two-week window you wear each set of aligners.

Now begins the Day of Efferdent. The dirty aligners will suffer repeated dunkings in Efferdent, and we shall see what the outcome is later on.

Enjoy my spittle.

Several weeks back I mentioned that I would be conducting an informal experiment to show that Invisalign’s advice to not use Efferdent and other “generic” orthodontic-cleaning concoctions is really just a thinly-veiled attempt at selling their own ridiculously overpriced Invisalign Cleaning System. This coming Wednesday (hold on to your seats!) will mark the first round of photos from this endeavor.

I did not use Efferdent in these photos, however. In fact, I didn’t use anything. In a disgusting twist of oral scabrousness I did not clean the aligners at all for the past two weeks. I didn’t Efferdent them and I didn’t brush them. I did rinse them off with plain tap water every time I took them out or put them in, but that’s it. This is Really Gross™.

My theory is that the aligners cannot possibly look worse than they do after two weeks of not being cleaned. The Invisalign folks say that Efferdent and its friends can “dull the surface of the aligners,” but they of course make no mention of doing nothing at all. On Wednesday morning I will take more pictures of the current pair and post them in all of their slimy, plaquey glory. You’ll be able to see for yourself what they look like.

Once those are done I am going to do a Marathon Efferdent Day. I will plunk the aligners into Efferdent over and over and over again, taking pictures of them each time new Efferdent is added. On Thursday I should have an example of what the aligners look like after being subjected to far more Efferdent than any sane human being would ever use.

And then, gentle readers, we shall see if Invisalign’s wool is still pulled over our collective eyes or if I have managed to save my otherwise unsuspecting crooked-toothed compatriots the $100 they would have otherwise given to Invisalign.

Tip for those of you considering Invisalign: if you do decide to go ahead and get them, heed the advice about wearing them for 22 hours a day. In general I have been really good about wearing my aligners, but whilst going out during Pride and in Vegas I decided that it was easier to just take them out and leave them at home, because during that time I would be eating and drinking various things that were a.) not clear and b.) not good for me. The sum total of the time I didn’t wear the aligners was probably a couple of days. By “a couple of days,” I literally mean “a couple of days” — I probably didn’t wear them for around 48 total hours during my two-week cycle.

So of course when I put in my new pair of aligners on Tuesday I was and still am in much more pain than in either of the previous two aligner switches. Each set of aligners is a bit jarring to your teeth, much like an orthodontist tightening normal braces. If you don’t give your teeth enough time in one set of aligners, the next set will be more painful. This is of course common sense, but I want to give a very visceral example to people.

It hurts. Think before you yank them out for longer than you have to.

There are several good things about Invisalign that go beyond merely straightening your crooked-ass teeth. One of these things is that it is physically impossible to bite your nails with the aligners in. I have bitten my nails for something like 20 years, and I have tried a bunch of ways to stop, like getting weekly manicures, painting my nails with polish that tastes like hot-pepper chemical ass, and just qutting cold turkey. None of them have worked.

But now I am simply incapable of biting my nails. It is just Not An Option. Score one for Invisalign!

But fingernails and Invisalign have a deeper, darker relationship than it might appear at first. In order to remove the aligners when you want to eat, brush your teeth, etc, you have to use your fingernails. When I first got the aligners and realized that I couldn’t bite my nails off I decided that I had better just clip them like a normal person.

I then tried to remove my aligners to eat, and found that I was incapable of doing so. Well, I suppose I should qualify that: I was incapable of doing so without shoving the remarkably hard plastic of the aligners underneath my nail beds, which, as you can imagine, feels absolutely lovely.

So a warning to those of you who are getting or have just gotten Invisalign: don’t clip your fingernails entirely off, or you will go through days and days of pain.

So the Invisalign Cleaning System is the Officially Invisalign Sanctioned™ method of cleaning your Invisalign aligners. The Invisalign Cleaning System consists of a plastic container that you plug in for some reason (probably for agitation, as Invisalign recommends strongly against mixing hot liquids and aligners) and some Invisalign Cleaning Crystals, which are apparently very different from other effervescent orthodontic cleaning dentifrices.

It retails for $95USD. That is not a typo.

Furthermore, in the elegant 4-page “Invisalign User Manual” they give you to completely and totally describe every facet of how these plastic things are going to utterly reshape your mouth, they outline explicit instructions to not use denture cleaners (like Efferdent, etc) on your aligners:

3. DO NOT use denture cleaners to clean aligners or soak them in mouthwash. These products can damage the surface of the aligner, causing it to become dull and more visible.

I call bullshit.

One should note that Efferdent costs something like $6 for approximately 10,000 tablets, and Efferdent Plus with Listerine is about a dollar more. Explicitly because I was warned against the usage of both denture cleansers and mouthwash I decided that I would get a product that has each substance in it.

I have been using Efferdent Plus with Listerine on my aligners for about two weeks now and have noticed no such damaged, dull surface. I have noticed a lot more money in the bank, which I promptly spent on Conundrum instead of on Invisalign Cleaning Crystals.

But to really settle this matter I am going to attempt a little experiment. I am switching to my new set of aligners tonight before bed, and I will document, in gripping photojournalistic style, just how damaged and dull these aligners do not become as a result of the usage of good old Efferdent Plus. Watch here for time-lapse CGI-assisted blockbuster action photos of the process.

So I got Invisalign two weeks ago and in general have been loving it. The whole process is pretty cool. They first put you into one of these new 3D x-ray machines that spins around your entire head and gives realtime results. Then they take impressions of your teeth using some gag-inducing plastic putty. All of this data is then fed to a bunch of Costa Rican programmers, who magically transform it into sets of plastic aligners that you wear for two weeks each.

I am the sort of fellow who eats about six times a day, though, and this causes some complications with Invisalign, because you cannot eat while you have your aligners in. You have to brush your teeth after every meal, as well, which means that I am now brushing my teeth about 8 times a day. You also cannot drink anything that is hot or is not clear when you have them in, so that rules out mid-afternoon coffee.

In general I have to say the experience has been positive, but I’m only two weeks into a yearlong ordeal. Tomorrow I start my Invisalign vs. Efferdent Battle. To the victor goes the spoils, and the implied endorsement of Martha Raye, denture wearer.