doit, doit now!

I have slept with a fan since I was a baby, and I find it hard to sleep without the comforting sound it makes. However sometimes when I travel I can’t bring a giant box fan with me and then I end up searching for a fan noise online to buy and then play on my laptop so I can sleep. I just discovered SimplyNoise.com, and I love it. It’s super-simple, and lets you generate white, red, or pink noise. I find red noise to be the best, but YMMV. Neat.

So I am back from India and quite ill. I somehow came down with being sick on the last day of the trip. As I was smoking the hookah with Sethers and Justin I kept saying “every time I smoke a hookah I get sick.” Sure enough, I am hacking up a lung and and forced to use Afrin (I like to call it “Nose Magic”) even though I know that rebound congestion is going to get me at some point; I just can’t breathe without it.

Today is the first day I feel better, but I am still laying low. I’m not even letting people know I am back yet, that’s how crappy I feel. I of course keep reading all about the various diseases we did not get vaccinated against because we “weren’t going to rural areas,” and now of course I keep thinking I have Japanese encephalitis or some equally horrible rice paddy-borne ailment.

I just coughed so much I got dizzy. It’s sort of fun.

What is with the Indian predilection for doing things in the longest, most insane, least-efficient way possible? It really makes me think twice about hiring Indian programers. Literally everything we saw in India was designed with that same slapdash methodology:

• The train station didn’t have signs telling what trains were leaving when.
• The train station website requires you to go to one page to look up the name of your train, another to the look up the number, another to look up the class, and another to look up the time. All this and you still can’t be sure you’re seeing the right thing, and even if you are you can’t buy tickets online.
• Buying a mobile phone requires two passport photos, a copy of your passport, proof of residency, and payment. Each time we went in to the store to buy the phone, the clerk dropped another requirement on us, resulting in four trips back and forth between the store and home, all in 100° F heat.
• Indian bathrooms (though I know it’s not limited to just India but indeed most of the Eastern world) are just nasty. There’s not much more to say than that. Our entire trip somehow revolved around figuring out ways to not have to take a duke.
• The Indian government has nuclear capabilities and can launch satellites into space but it can’t provide clean drinking water for its people. This is true even for Indians; it’s not a “foreigners don’t drink the water” situation, it’s an “everyone don’t drink the water” situation.
• The power goes out several times a day every day for indeterminate lengths of time.
• There are some lovely parks near Seth’s apartment, with nice plants and whatnot. The trees around the park on the sidewalk where you walk from Seth’s house to the Defence Colony Market are obviously trimmed and taken care of, they are just trimmed two feet too low, requiring you to duck, bob, and weave your way around them. It’s just rather striking that someone would take the trouble to trim the trees but not trim them to the point where you can walk underneath them. Seth and I discussed hiring someone to come in and trim the trees all the way to the market; I bet you could have it done for about $10. Anyone want to donate to Seth so his hair doesn’t get mussed by the trees? If you ever visit him it will be the best $10 you’ve ever spent.

These things all pale in comparison to Indira Gandhi International Airport. This airport is HORRENDOUS. You can’t enter the airport without going through a huge line and a security checkpoint just to get in the building. Here they want to see your ticket, which most people of course don’t have, not having visited the ticket counter yet. Instead they’ll grudgingly settle for a printout of your itinerary (I NEVER bring my itinerary, I just happened to do it here). This is “ticket check (TC) 1,” variously requiring examination of your passport, your itinerary, ticket, boarding pass, genetic heritage, craniofacial features, fingernail dirt level, intestinal flora load, etc.
The catch is that there are at least four entrances and each leads to a specific set of x-ray machines. Each set of machines corresponds to a different set of airlines, but there is no obvious way to tell which line you are supposed to get into in order to get your bags screened. Once through the ridiculous line you get your bags x-rayed, again requiring ticket check (TC2). Note this is all before you get your boarding pass, so individual airlines can do nothing to maximize efficiency here or speed the process along—you’re limited by the speed of the Indian government.

Your bags are sealed after the x-ray, and then you attempt go get your boarding pass. Before that, though, American Airlines at least has its own security checkpoint (TC3), after which you take your bags up to the ticket counter where they are weighed. If they are overweight you have to break the x-ray seals, throw stuff away/rebalance your bags/take stuff out/etc, go BACK to the x-ray machines, get re-x-rayed, then repeat the process. Thank goodness I didn’t have to do that. You then get your boarding pass, where they check your passport etc all over again (TC4).
You then go through another security checkpoint (TC5), the usual metal detector/carryon x-ray machine, and then you go through ANOTHER one (not kidding, TC6!), and then you get your crap searched for liquids (TC7), and you finally get to the gate, where someone else checks your bording pass in the little machine before you descend the ramp (TC8).

At this point we are finally at the plane. As an aside, our flight on the way in was outstanding; it was a mostly-empty 777 and there were several very nice gay flight attendants who kept plying me with drinks. Furthermore, upon disembarkation, one of them handed me a bag with a bottle of champagne and 25 mini bottles of Skyy vodka in it! SO nice. Now earlier, whilst waiting to get our bags x-rayed, Justin and I spied the whole flight crew and we knew they are all going to be uptight prigs. They were all evil-looking middle-aged women, the kind who would have probably been good Evil Third Grade Teachers except none of them were smart enough.

So after 8 ticket checks and accompanying rigamarole I am a bit exasperated, and then Evil Boarding Stewardess confirms our suspicions of her being a snot. As I boarded the plane the stewardess said “Do you have a boarding pass?” in a disdainful tone almost like “There’s no way this guy has a boarding pass.” I was a bit exasperated and said “No, I made it through eight security checkpoints without a boarding pass” and walked past her to the rear of the plane.

Okay I am done typing, but not before I point out that Seth just sent me an email saying

I am waiting in the LONGEST line (perhaps) that anyone has EVER stood in waiting for a taxi. I know it will be a surprise to you – but the Delhi has a very inefficient system set up here.

Lastly, I don’t remember if I pointed it out in my last post, but all of my pics are up on our new Flickr group. When Noelle gets her pics developed we’ll post those, too (she actually took FILM pictures!)

So a few days ago I wrote to both the FAA and America West customer service departments and asked about the supposed “federal security regulations” that America West cited on my last flight when they informed all of the coach passengers that we were not allowed to use the first-class passengers’ bathroom. As I reported in the comments, the FAA forwarded my request on to the TSA, who responded by telling me I needed to contact the FAA. This is of course the only possible outcome when dealing with a government agency.

Regardless, America West responded today:

Dear Mr. Hodulik,

Thank you for contacting America West Airlines. We appreciate and welcome all inquiries, concerns, and compliments, as your feedback is important to us.

Our first class ticket holders pay a premium to enjoy a quiet cabin atmosphere to complete paperwork or to simply take pleasure in the amenities the first class cabin offers. Our first class flight attendants request and encourage coach customers to use the lavatories in the rear of the aircraft when serving carts are not obstructing the aisle.

Should it become necessary for coach customers to use the forward lavatory, they will be asked to wait behind the bulkhead separating the two cabins until the forward lavatory is vacant. Heightened safety measures dictate, our customers cannot congregate in the forward galley while waiting to use the lavatory, though we cannot refuse a coach customer the use of the forward lavatory.

We realize that the professional attitude of our employees will leave a positive impression of our company, and I’m sorry this was not your experience.

Your feedback is appreciated and will be shared with our Inflight Manager. The intent here, of course, is to address these issues and to make positive changes for the future.

Sincerely,

Kathi Gee
Customer Relations
America West Airlines

—–Original Message—–
From: americawest.spam@hodulik.com [mailto:americawest.spam@hodulik.com]
Sent: Wednesday, July 06, 2005 11:56 PM
To: customer.relations@americawest.com
Subject: America West Customer Relations Information Request
Importance: High

search:spa : 00031a39-sp00000000
search:spq : Search
CRS METH TYPE : I
CRS PRODUCT : CTCIN
CRS SUBJECT : INTERNET
CRS RESP TYPE : IR
CRS CUST TYPE : P
CRS EVIDENCE : Y
CRS NAME TITLE : Mr.
txt first name : Nicholas
txt last name : Hodulik
CRS COMPANY :
CRS ADDRESS 2 :
txt address : 151 Buena Vista
CRS STR SUFFIX : Terr.
txt city : San Francisco
CRS STATE : CA
txt zip : 94117
CRS ACCT NUMBER :
txt email address : americawest.spam@hodulik.com
CRS PHONE 1 : 415-861-9300
CRS PHONE 2 : 415-861-9300
txa message : I am writing to inquire about your policy of not allowing coach passengers to use the first class bathrooms during flights. During my last trip the flight attendents cited “federal security regulations” as being the reason why this policy is in effect. Since the very existence of such a regulation is a particularly bizarre notion for most rational humans I am wondering if you can help me to understand *exactly* which regulations dictate such a strange policy and where I can get an exact copy of those regulations. I very much appreciate your help.
content: ctl0.x : 37
content: ctl0.y : 8

Message generated on www.americawest.com at 7/6/2005 11:55:30 PM.

So, as Ars said in the comments to the previous post, the regulation refers to people congregating near the bulkhead, not to using the lavatory itself. So basically America West’s entire message to me, while very friendly and courteous, is essentially PR-speak before and after the only statement that actually matters: …though we cannot refuse a coach customer the use of the forward lavatory.

So don’t take any crap from those flight attendants. If you have to go, go. Anybody who tells you that you can’t go to the bathroom is a bad person.

So this past weekend I went to Las Vegas with my friend Alex Gray on a lark. We drove from San Francisco to Vegas via Yosemite and Death Valley, and I will detail those adventures at a later date, since what matters right now is that I flew back via America West Airlines on Tuesday morning, and except for a slight delay it was an uneventful flight.

With the exception of the bathrooms.

I have flown quite a bit in the past few months and have noticed a disturbing thing: when you sit down and the flight attendants do their little Safety Song and Dance they inform all of the denizens of the plane that Coach passengers are no longer allowed to use the First Class bathrooms “because of federal safety regulations.”

This is not a joke. They are very serious about this.

I think that during the post-9/11 airline traffic drop the airlines needed to sell as many First Class seats as possible and thus wanted to give as many incentives as possible to those travelers and so somehow snuck the “security regulation” in. The notion that somehow a Coach passenger peeing in the rich people’s bathroom creates an inherent security threat to the United States of America is little hard for me to swallow. It’s so odd, in fact, that I decided to write both the FAA and America West Airlines to see what the deal is. Here’s the text of my letter:

I am writing to inquire about your policy of not allowing coach passengers to use the first class bathrooms during flights. During my last trip the flight attendents cited “federal security regulations” as being the reason why this policy is in effect. Since the very existence of such a regulation is a particularly bizarre notion for most rational humans I am wondering if you can help me to understand *exactly* which regulations dictate such a strange policy and where I can get an exact copy of those regulations. I very much appreciate your help.

I’ll let you know if/when I get a response. If the FAA doesn’t respond I’ll submit a Freedom of Information Act request to find out.

So dumb. I wonder, if it’s not okay for me to pee in the rich people’s bathroom, is it OK for me to just pee directly on them?